.... Am I Living My Dream?

So I'm beginning to wonder, how many times do you have to put yourself out there before the right opportunity comes along and presents itself to you? Something tangible, to hold onto and evolve with.

In this day and age everything is available to us at the click of a mouse, so why is finding the right career such an impossible probability!
Look I'm not completely naive I know everything comes at a price, and there are the necessary compromises and steps to take on the way "up the ladder"... But seriously where do you even begin?!

I know now what I want to do, but do you think I could find the door! Well not yet anyway... Sometimes I feel like a feverish hound scratching on the back kitchen door of life... just throw me a frikken bone here already, please!!!

I mean I know I don't exactly have the best track record when I get into things, but I honestly believe you realise within the first week of getting into something whether or not its going to lead you the right way, or if its leading you on a completely obscure goose hunt. Well that's how I feel anyway. If I got into a place that allowed realised my potential and allowed me to flourish and grow... even if my only way in was to scrub the toilets of the bottom floor.. at least I would feel like there was a light at the end of the dreary tunnel!

Everything I have done has given me a firm understanding of what I enjoy doing, nothing has been completely pointless... even if all it taught me in the end was what I have absolutely zero interest- in at least I left with that knowledge. I know I'm not the only one who feels like this, I know there are hundreds of people who have stuck out the same boring dead end jobs year in and year out thinking the same thing... am I living my dream? Is this truly all my life is ever going to amount to? I'm not young, but I'm not exactly old either! I have some time yet but I feel as if I am closer now than ever to what I can see myself building a career in. Something I am endlessly passionate about, and something that has massive potential for growth in my mind and my creativity.

I don't want to spend even one day of my time feeling average in life, I want to be exceptional and I believe the only way I am ever going to do that is to follow my dream, even if it is bogus... some how some way its going to take me to places I can only imagine. Isn't that what the law of attraction is? To believe in something unequivocally, until one day you wake up and realise your dream?

I am sitting in the darkness, staring out of a jagged edged wreck onto a paradise. And I'm excited! And I know somewhere in the not to distant future I'll be standing outside in the light and this will all be a jaded dream moving me to greater heights.

"Run, run, run away......"

Fight or flight... our instinctive options when faced with something we aren't sure how to handle.

I find it so interesting how society places parameters on the way things "should be",

And how like sheep we follow these preconceived ideas, as if living them out and deciding for ourselves is no longer an option.

Whatever happened to going with the flow and seeing where you land up?

Betwixt and between in this perpetually frustrating game we call life and love.

Am I the irrational or the irrationalee?!

My first reaction is to run away from something when the first sign of unease rears its head.

Its easier to be alone right? No one to consider or care about.

What bliss, just you and the road.

Wrong, I dont actually believe a word of what I just wrote, but I'd like to. That way you would never have to confront anything. You'd never feel angry or upset, or hurt. Its so easy to tune the world out when its not playing you're song. Its not so easy to when its closer to home.

So is it to soon to...? Is it cool enough...? Am I losing my independence...? Should I spend more time doing...? And less time doing...? Oh wait what do my friends think...?

Oh actually wait... what do I think?

Are we seriously so insignificant in our own lives that what should have started out with you, actually only gets to you and your own thoughts 7th or 8th on the check list of to do or not to do!

God its exhausting sometimes! Seriously!

What is the point?

I think its supposed to be Happiness.

"The cinders, the cinders

They light the paths

And these strange steps

Take us back, take us back

Flow sweetly, hang heavy

You suddenly complete me

You suddenly complete me"

One foot in, one foot out!?!

As humans or mammals we are innately programmed to look out for ourselves. To always feather our own nest before anyone else's. To make sure that we are OK.

I'm the eternal optimist, I believe in everything. I want to see the best there is in every situation. Even when I cant stand to be there anymore, I try to think back to a time when that was exactly what I wanted and was exactly where I wanted to be. I hold on to that. I couldn't go on any other way. How can we see the beauty in the new without the extrication of that which has made you indifferent or jaded in the past.

With hesitation, we venture into new and unfamiliar territory. Familiar in that once we were in this exact space, unfamiliar in that this is nothing like that space in fact. But we go on with child like curiosity none the less. The way it should be.

Whatever happened to throwing caution to the wind? Why is it that we always have one foot in and one foot out the door? As if we could hop on the back foot and high tail out of there! Except its worse that way cause you'll never really know what could have been if you had actually jumped in with both feet. Whole heartedly.

I say you just have to go with it. Listen to yourself. Play until you get hurt, or you're not having fun anymore or you cry more than you laugh. But play, let go, fling your head back and throw your feet towards the clouds and remember what it was like once... not to know and not to care either. That feeling is love and life and freedom.

For my friend.

"There is a darkness deep in you,
A frightening magic I cling to,
Give me a chance to hold on,
give me a chance to hold on...
just give me something to hold on to."

Sometimes the thing we crave the most just isn't there when we really need it to be.
And its never something you can put your finger on,
Or say out loud, or ask for...
It not even tangible enough to look for...

Who's to say that when we find it we're even going to know what to do with it,
And after all is said and done... are we are even going to want it in the end?

Happiness oh jaded virtue, why are you so evasive to the best of us, at times?

Its a fine balance of give an take in this life and occasionally nature or the universe
throws this back in our faces,
Even when we've been on our best behaviour.

The art of living and our own self preservation is in the gracefulness we maintain when we fall down.
The truth and the antidote lie in our own actions and reactions.

We hold the power and the understanding to turn everything around.
This is our gift.

Happiness is a by line.
We are an absolution.
Hold on.

And smile, cause everything is going to be alright.

This moment is your life.

When the mood takes you just dance...
When the mood takes you just sing...
When the mood takes you just laugh out loud to yourself...

There's nobody watching but you,
There's nobody glowing but you,
You and yourself and your heart.

Grab hold of the hands around you,
Embrace the elements around you,
You will never be as young,
As beautiful,
And as vivacious as you are right now.

This is the time,
This is the hour,
Rejoice in this moment,
For this moment is your life.

This moment is your life.

Pearls of Wisdom....

I did a hand stand on my world today, a sunny side up on my current affairs!
My inspiration sandwich said something to me that made such perfect sense... something less cheesy but pretty much along the lines of " Hey kiddo, turn that frown upside down... ;) "
He said to me:

" Have you ever felt that every time you sleep and you wake...it's like a blank canvas of possibility as yesterday is forgotten between the lines of history but today anything can happen, with the dreams of a fellow traveler, let the power of today guide you in colour and paint. So paint that canvas, for today will only come once and tomorrow, today will be history. but at least tomorrow you can hang today on your wall and see the present for what it is! A gift of life!"

Life is a bowl of cherries, and even when its not... I'll read things like this from the people closest to my heart and I'll remember just how fortunate I am every single day.
"Priceless pearls of wisdom", old Ma'am Sparks would say to us in English class, "Quickly catch them as they are falling from my lips..."

I must have a big beautiful crystal jar full of them by now... I keep them on my windowsill to capture the light and reflect it back into my room...

xXx

Carpe Diem

I woke this morning in someone elses body... These were my hands and my legs and my feet... but this was not my life. I woke this morning, 23 - with no certainty of when, or where, or how I will realise my dream and my purpose here in this place and time.

I am a shrinking violet on a cold September morning surround by a vapid air of frustration and stagnation. How did I choose this path? How did I come to be here?... When am I going to awaken to a new day, and finally know where I am going. Striding forth with conviction. When am I going to stop running away from everything and stand my ground. Carpe Diem. Salute.

This time, this transient time... people are phantoms in my life, here today gone tomorrow. We are young and nothing binds us. We are free to go and search and be whomever we choose. This is our privilege. This is our curse. No roots, no base, no home. Freedom.

"Into the wilderness the gait of one, who knows no path where the path should be..."

Post Script:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond imagination. It is our light more than our darkness which scares us. We ask ourselves – who are we to be brilliant, beautiful, talented, and fabulous. But honestly, who are you to not be so?"
~Marianne Williamson.