A life worth writing about...*

I turned 30 this year. People have said many things to me in my twenties, things to sculpt my perception of what it means to be 30, to have lived and experienced and absorbed 30 years of knowledge, 30 years of happiness, sadness, joy, success's, failure's, ambitions, dreams, heartache, love, fear & courage... but nothing prepared me for this feeling. Calm, acceptance, humility and thankfulness.

Ive done some pretty remarkable things in my time on this planet, well remarkable to me at least. I haven't walked on the moon, or discovered the cure for an incurable disease, or become the first female president of the United States. No I have done none of these things, but I have forged some of the most meaningful and fulfilling friendships, and relationships. I have travelled to places far and wide - places I only dreamed about as a little girl. I have lived.

I may not always make the soundest choices or act in a way I would like to be treated in return. I have broken some hearts, and in turn mine has been broken. But I have loved, I have been in love, I am not afraid of love - the being or the receiving. I know I have a heart, and I now know that I need to treat other peoples hearts gently because scar tissue runs deep, and although the wound has healed little incisions are careful and permanent reminders. No one deserves a fear created by the careless mind of someone else.

I have had fear in the past, I know the feeling that seizes your gut and renders you motionless in the moment. To travel, to be alone, to actually go after a dream. My fear is failing, others and myself. but my greatest fear is growing old and not being able to see and share a dream realized. A dream built from my own blood sweat and tears. Something seamlessly carved with my calloused hands to show for it.  A potent and timeless creation, a mirror of my soul.

I don't believe this is one thing, and I don't believe it will happen overnight. What I do know is that as I launch my kite, and allow the wind to carry it far up into the clouds, it will not only be my hands guiding its flight... but the hands of every wonderful being I have had the joy of meeting along the way. And you, I know your hands will be steadying mine, ensuring the course stays true. keeping the wind constant, and the dream high.

Buffalo plaid jacket... meet floral print jacket...**

I recently came across another blog entitled "Missed Connections"... the author of this blog intricately illustrates pictures that evoke romanticised meetings on late night trains, or bumping into a stranger in the isle looking for peppercorn refills...

What stood out so poignantly to me about the concept of such illustrations, is how relatable the instances truly are. How certain people stand out from a sea of faces by the small details of their own personalised style... Be it the eclectic button sewn onto a jacket, the red piping detail that cinches the whole outfit together or the tiny stones in your necklace that match your shoes and your emerald green eyes...

All of these details tell me who you are. I may fantasise as to where you've come from or where you are going too. I may never have spoken to you before, but in one upward swoop of your appearance a thousand ideas have already passed through my mind... How old you are, what you do for a living, where you call home, what you may like to do for fun...

They say that 85% of our first impressions of a person are visual, so is it not critical that we embody all of our best assets in their entirety, through how we represent ourselves to the outside world every time we venture out there?

Our hair, our nails, our skin, our make-up, our clothing, our accessories... it all sounds so superficial... but on the off chance that we never do get to meet... I would like to think I have already told you my story without ever having to say a word....**

Eye see the world, and the world see's me!

Wow, I don't think I have written here for over a year!

My life has done a complete 360' since then... I think I may be an entirely different version of my former self!

1. Job: check.

2. Career: check.

3. Fitness: check.

4. Healthy: check.

5. In love: check.

6. Happy: check.

7. Living somewhere new: check.

I think I am well on my way to checking every personal goal I set out for myself!

How's that for pro active.. he he... hilarious... feels good, its about time!

I honestly thought I would never find what makes me tick, and I think I have now.

Enough to stick it out even when sometimes its terrible!! Usually I wold duck, so I guess the proof is in the pudding :)

Living in Jozi, wow different I won't lie. But in a good way. The people are friendly and warm and welcoming. They make an effort to engage with everyone around them... which is fabulous... they aren't spoilt with the beautiful sea and mountains. It is however the biggest man made forest in the world... I was quite startled to see how green it was. I think I had this preconceived idea that it was going to be a brown sandpit... I blame mom for this! hilarious!

I am going back to Cape Town in a week and I am so excited to do as much as is humanely possible while I am there! Its refreshing to go back to the place you call home with a renewed appreciation and clean eyes... I am looking forward to it! A week of fun in the sun with my boy :)

Ooooooh bring on life, its beautiful!

.... Am I Living My Dream?

So I'm beginning to wonder, how many times do you have to put yourself out there before the right opportunity comes along and presents itself to you? Something tangible, to hold onto and evolve with.

In this day and age everything is available to us at the click of a mouse, so why is finding the right career such an impossible probability!
Look I'm not completely naive I know everything comes at a price, and there are the necessary compromises and steps to take on the way "up the ladder"... But seriously where do you even begin?!

I know now what I want to do, but do you think I could find the door! Well not yet anyway... Sometimes I feel like a feverish hound scratching on the back kitchen door of life... just throw me a frikken bone here already, please!!!

I mean I know I don't exactly have the best track record when I get into things, but I honestly believe you realise within the first week of getting into something whether or not its going to lead you the right way, or if its leading you on a completely obscure goose hunt. Well that's how I feel anyway. If I got into a place that allowed realised my potential and allowed me to flourish and grow... even if my only way in was to scrub the toilets of the bottom floor.. at least I would feel like there was a light at the end of the dreary tunnel!

Everything I have done has given me a firm understanding of what I enjoy doing, nothing has been completely pointless... even if all it taught me in the end was what I have absolutely zero interest- in at least I left with that knowledge. I know I'm not the only one who feels like this, I know there are hundreds of people who have stuck out the same boring dead end jobs year in and year out thinking the same thing... am I living my dream? Is this truly all my life is ever going to amount to? I'm not young, but I'm not exactly old either! I have some time yet but I feel as if I am closer now than ever to what I can see myself building a career in. Something I am endlessly passionate about, and something that has massive potential for growth in my mind and my creativity.

I don't want to spend even one day of my time feeling average in life, I want to be exceptional and I believe the only way I am ever going to do that is to follow my dream, even if it is bogus... some how some way its going to take me to places I can only imagine. Isn't that what the law of attraction is? To believe in something unequivocally, until one day you wake up and realise your dream?

I am sitting in the darkness, staring out of a jagged edged wreck onto a paradise. And I'm excited! And I know somewhere in the not to distant future I'll be standing outside in the light and this will all be a jaded dream moving me to greater heights.

"Run, run, run away......"

Fight or flight... our instinctive options when faced with something we aren't sure how to handle.

I find it so interesting how society places parameters on the way things "should be",

And how like sheep we follow these preconceived ideas, as if living them out and deciding for ourselves is no longer an option.

Whatever happened to going with the flow and seeing where you land up?

Betwixt and between in this perpetually frustrating game we call life and love.

Am I the irrational or the irrationalee?!

My first reaction is to run away from something when the first sign of unease rears its head.

Its easier to be alone right? No one to consider or care about.

What bliss, just you and the road.

Wrong, I dont actually believe a word of what I just wrote, but I'd like to. That way you would never have to confront anything. You'd never feel angry or upset, or hurt. Its so easy to tune the world out when its not playing you're song. Its not so easy to when its closer to home.

So is it to soon to...? Is it cool enough...? Am I losing my independence...? Should I spend more time doing...? And less time doing...? Oh wait what do my friends think...?

Oh actually wait... what do I think?

Are we seriously so insignificant in our own lives that what should have started out with you, actually only gets to you and your own thoughts 7th or 8th on the check list of to do or not to do!

God its exhausting sometimes! Seriously!

What is the point?

I think its supposed to be Happiness.

"The cinders, the cinders

They light the paths

And these strange steps

Take us back, take us back

Flow sweetly, hang heavy

You suddenly complete me

You suddenly complete me"

One foot in, one foot out!?!

As humans or mammals we are innately programmed to look out for ourselves. To always feather our own nest before anyone else's. To make sure that we are OK.

I'm the eternal optimist, I believe in everything. I want to see the best there is in every situation. Even when I cant stand to be there anymore, I try to think back to a time when that was exactly what I wanted and was exactly where I wanted to be. I hold on to that. I couldn't go on any other way. How can we see the beauty in the new without the extrication of that which has made you indifferent or jaded in the past.

With hesitation, we venture into new and unfamiliar territory. Familiar in that once we were in this exact space, unfamiliar in that this is nothing like that space in fact. But we go on with child like curiosity none the less. The way it should be.

Whatever happened to throwing caution to the wind? Why is it that we always have one foot in and one foot out the door? As if we could hop on the back foot and high tail out of there! Except its worse that way cause you'll never really know what could have been if you had actually jumped in with both feet. Whole heartedly.

I say you just have to go with it. Listen to yourself. Play until you get hurt, or you're not having fun anymore or you cry more than you laugh. But play, let go, fling your head back and throw your feet towards the clouds and remember what it was like once... not to know and not to care either. That feeling is love and life and freedom.

For my friend.

"There is a darkness deep in you,
A frightening magic I cling to,
Give me a chance to hold on,
give me a chance to hold on...
just give me something to hold on to."

Sometimes the thing we crave the most just isn't there when we really need it to be.
And its never something you can put your finger on,
Or say out loud, or ask for...
It not even tangible enough to look for...

Who's to say that when we find it we're even going to know what to do with it,
And after all is said and done... are we are even going to want it in the end?

Happiness oh jaded virtue, why are you so evasive to the best of us, at times?

Its a fine balance of give an take in this life and occasionally nature or the universe
throws this back in our faces,
Even when we've been on our best behaviour.

The art of living and our own self preservation is in the gracefulness we maintain when we fall down.
The truth and the antidote lie in our own actions and reactions.

We hold the power and the understanding to turn everything around.
This is our gift.

Happiness is a by line.
We are an absolution.
Hold on.

And smile, cause everything is going to be alright.

This moment is your life.

When the mood takes you just dance...
When the mood takes you just sing...
When the mood takes you just laugh out loud to yourself...

There's nobody watching but you,
There's nobody glowing but you,
You and yourself and your heart.

Grab hold of the hands around you,
Embrace the elements around you,
You will never be as young,
As beautiful,
And as vivacious as you are right now.

This is the time,
This is the hour,
Rejoice in this moment,
For this moment is your life.

This moment is your life.

Pearls of Wisdom....

I did a hand stand on my world today, a sunny side up on my current affairs!
My inspiration sandwich said something to me that made such perfect sense... something less cheesy but pretty much along the lines of " Hey kiddo, turn that frown upside down... ;) "
He said to me:

" Have you ever felt that every time you sleep and you wake...it's like a blank canvas of possibility as yesterday is forgotten between the lines of history but today anything can happen, with the dreams of a fellow traveler, let the power of today guide you in colour and paint. So paint that canvas, for today will only come once and tomorrow, today will be history. but at least tomorrow you can hang today on your wall and see the present for what it is! A gift of life!"

Life is a bowl of cherries, and even when its not... I'll read things like this from the people closest to my heart and I'll remember just how fortunate I am every single day.
"Priceless pearls of wisdom", old Ma'am Sparks would say to us in English class, "Quickly catch them as they are falling from my lips..."

I must have a big beautiful crystal jar full of them by now... I keep them on my windowsill to capture the light and reflect it back into my room...

xXx

Carpe Diem

I woke this morning in someone elses body... These were my hands and my legs and my feet... but this was not my life. I woke this morning, 23 - with no certainty of when, or where, or how I will realise my dream and my purpose here in this place and time.

I am a shrinking violet on a cold September morning surround by a vapid air of frustration and stagnation. How did I choose this path? How did I come to be here?... When am I going to awaken to a new day, and finally know where I am going. Striding forth with conviction. When am I going to stop running away from everything and stand my ground. Carpe Diem. Salute.

This time, this transient time... people are phantoms in my life, here today gone tomorrow. We are young and nothing binds us. We are free to go and search and be whomever we choose. This is our privilege. This is our curse. No roots, no base, no home. Freedom.

"Into the wilderness the gait of one, who knows no path where the path should be..."

Post Script:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond imagination. It is our light more than our darkness which scares us. We ask ourselves – who are we to be brilliant, beautiful, talented, and fabulous. But honestly, who are you to not be so?"
~Marianne Williamson.

There is no such thing as a grey area!

Last minute decisions are always a culmination of great ideas, rash decisions, visions of grandeur and an upwelling of self indulgent passions! So whenever I make one of these decisions its always bumper to bumper with another one... the last is always the one I actually go for!
Last week was a bag full of these crammed into hurried lunches, leisurely walks, frantic runs and a lot of writing! A lot is actually an understatement!

I think I pulled in every resource and in the know person I could think of and sifted through all of there heads to try and derive the right answer. This was actually 2/3rds of the fun I think. I felt like I was writing and existential article about myself and researching myself through there opinions and view points on me, my decision and my ideas. I have really great influences in my life was just a sideline thought whilst doing this.

So all said and done, what I have settled on is what I am actually most passionate about: photography! Lets see how far I can take it!

Post script: You know - you know - you know! Just listen. ;)

The world... unto me?!!! Cheers!

I went to fetch my prospectus today! I have one week left to hand it in! OMG!
I find that rather appropriate to the pending situation though... here I am at yet another cross road with a gun held to my head... but fittingly, as usual, its me holding it and playing this rather ridiculous game of psuedo Russian Roulette with myself!

I may as well walk around everyday with a tape recorder strapped to myself with my own voice on repeat saying: "Dance monkey, dance!" in some sort of conspicuously neon circus suit!
It felt really good walking around those crayony smelling design studios! I'm craving that sort of stimulation! I know I should be going into the working environment to get my fix... but something is luring me there so intensely I cant actually deny myself the experience!

What I find so great is that everything we will work on is actaully real, all of the prjects are from actual brands, companies, clients etc. So in effect you are in the real industry... I want my brain to wrap itself around that way of thinking I want to develop and hone my own edge... and all this because of one focus group! Yes! The seed was planted and just like India one day with noo I will embark on this creative journey too.

I see nothing but bright green lights ahead of me, and a bigger more beautiful bow on my lapel as I add one more colourful string to it... I decided a long time ago that I never wanted to stop learning... I guess I just never really saw myself here again so soon!

Post script: To the future of dynamo Jack! Cheers!

Oh the fantastical possibilities a walk by the sea brings...

I had the most satisfying stroll this morning, I left the house tired and jaded with the hopes of trying to clear my head and revitalise my soul, and returned: inspired, invigorated and re directed! Hows that for a successful little Sunday outing?

I like to give this time of year the term: "Silly Season" - as my brother says. It has actually gotten to the point where I have to literally leave the city bowl for fear of having to go out AGAIN! There has honestly been 2 to 3 social engagements every single night for the last three weeks and I, being the relentless social butterfly that I tend to be sometimes have fallen prey to almost all of them! Well it doesn't help that my whole group has to - and they all know where I live!

Luckily for me I have a little retreat to escape to, far far away in the land of fynbos and hippies and fresh sea air! This morning, however, was particularly successful. Whilst meandering through the blushing nursery and snaking through the brightly coloured bathing boxes along the seashore I decided that I'm not finished being a pupil. There is so much more that I need to learn. I looked around me at all of the contented basking bellies on the beach front and it steadily dawned on me that I am, as usual, not entirely satisfied and therefor need to delve deeper in this eternal conquest of self actualization and enlightenment!

I think it was a combination of the raw sea breeze and the incredibly large wave that drenched me by surprise in front of a catwalk of onlookers... but there I was completely soaking and laughing my heart out to the point of tears when it dawned on me... I'm going back to college!
I think?! Well I know... I just have to turn this into a feasible option first... but yes... I am... I think, therefor I am?! hmmm... bygones!

Post script: I am not crazy... only wildly inspired... all the time... well most of the time.. I think ;)

Take that mr. President!!!!

Nothing like a good old spot of bad energy to throw your mercury into retrograde!

Now at the risk of sounding trite let me cut straight to the chase!
A little while ago I was blabbing on about how I actually thrive off of people telling me I "cant" do something! But at the same token, today something really gratifying happened to me but it took a rather unpleasant realisation for it to kick start the engine...

I've been bumping into my friend frequently over the past few weeks, and every time we see one another we get into this seriously in depth discussion over how we are going to renovate and re decorate his apartment. This, however, is usually over a few glasses of wine, by which time we begin deliberating over multi levelled floor planes and and fantastically positioned light detailing! All of which you seldom actually ever expect to see come to fruition!

So I had a really crap wake up call on Monday, one that makes your stomach flip over. And you're knees go weak! Cause I suddenly found myself 2yrs out of studying, 6months out of permanent job matching studying description. And none the wiser about were I am actually heading. And better yet I'm having this all so conveniently pointed out to me by my ever increasingly successful sibling!

I spent the day feeling really sorry for myself and cursing the fact that I'm 22 and so utterly useless... how could this possibly happen to me of all people! And then on cue... just as I'm about to sink into the depths of my own unproductive self pity... the phone rings... its my friend, calling to confirm our long overdue design meeting!

So there I go pottering off to his house expecting some kind of curtain alteration, perhaps a few scatter cushions and a rug?? Well you can imagine my surprise, and delight when he practically hands me the keys to his apartment and says: "OK Missy lets make this happen!". We sat there for 2 hours going over every square inch of that place and coming up with the most incredible ideas to bring his dream house alive!

That's all it took: One person to believe in me and open the door for me! And I'll make the earth move for them! What a great feeling! I'm addicted! I cant wait to see it all coming to life!
As much as I loved being challenged by the whole "you cant do that thing", I think this is even more challenging because somebody is putting their trust and their confidence in my ability to do this! So I get a double prize at the end, my success and their happiness!

Post script: I can't stop smiling ;)

Tick tick... chk chk chk!!!

My friend Matthew invited me to his Marketing focus group for Red&yellow school! Its a post grad course and they have just chosen their final electorate project and group and they are now strategising this whole amazing marketing scheme for the product they have chosen!

Anyway so the way it works is there are 9 groups of 6 in the class and then you choose your product and you conduct all of these external focus groups to conceptualise and zone in on the final scheme for the marketing of it and brand escalation into your chosen target market.

So everyone in the group invites 2 people along to come and do some brainstorming. There are a number of questions etc that have been prepared and the group then launches into these debates on each topic: like packaging, tag line, materials, main consumer, outlets, advertising, leaks into the public etc.

They had chosen this shoe brand called G-mo "Grant Morrison Designs.. and he basically does these incredible one offs and just structurally amazing and functional shoes. All made from animal friendly environmentally friendly products. And they honestly are so cool!

So there we sat this incredibly eclectic group of people: The fashion editor of cosmo, the lawyer, the conservationist, the hippy, the interior designer, the trustfund baby etc thrashing out every possible angle to launch these shoes! It was so intense and people were getting so heated it was amazing!

But wow what incredible energy was emanating from this whole scenario - I felt wired! I just got home and I'm on such a buzz I don't actually know what to do with myself! I wanna do something like that!

Its so powerful to be in the hub of something so creative! Especially when its a group dynamic!
grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!
Gad I'm excited!!! It just makes you think about things in a completely different way when you get into situations like that you know, You learn what makes people tick and how they think... anything can become something special with the right Angle and the right brain and the right marketing campaign............ oooooooooh whoop whoop!!

Nothing like a good old seasonal spring clean!
Out with the old and drab, in with the new and fab!

It astounds me how much crap I can accumulate in such a short space of time. Its usually a rather dishevelled and out of sync wardrobe! But in the long term it can amount to a life time of hoarding!

Everytime I get stuck into it I am guaranteed to get rid of an entire black bag of lurkies skulking about in the shadows, hoping no one would spot them and frog march them into the ominous looking plastic prison. All ready to be hoisted into the back of the VW and sent on their merry way, or in a more deserving direction! (Mother gets 1st pickings though- we wouldn't want anything designer getting lost in the ruthless run of things!)

I used to be such a hoarder until about the age of 14, when I realised just how tedious it was to plastic wrap every single collectors mug from Spur! Or pin all of those ridiculous little mighty mouse badges from Steers, onto some horrid looking denim jacket handed down from the 80's - every time we moved - which was often, thanks to dad's itchy feet syndrome!

Something came ovr me one day that made me realise how cleansing it can be to chuck everything away! All the stuff you hoard in boxes and never actually even look at - let alone realise actually still exists once you have shut the lid and packed it away(for good)!

Come to think of it all the shelves at the top of my cupboards - the out of reach one's that I had to get a ladder to get to, were stuffed full of boxes I had lagged around from house to house without having the faintest clue about what was in them! What on earth is the point of that I ask myself now! Because once I had moved out into my own house all of these boxes somehow made there way into my moms cellar! And they have been down there ever since!

The pile gets added to every time I move house, and no longer want some of the newer things I have acquired boxed and shelved.
So after 5 years, plus a life time of hoarding. I decided with much encouragement it was time to get rid of all of it... but in order to do this I had to go through all of it! Yikes!

I've now hoisted all of the cob-webbed dusty boxes out of there and I've been sitting in the garage with them piled around my ears! Its so exciting - I feel like I've discovered the pirates treasure chest! There are things in there I don't even remember having! Some things I actually quite fancy now... and some I cant believe I ever owned, and will deny profusely ever owning - should anyone discover them before they get tossed!

Pictures, and dresses and diaries... "love" letters, birthday cards and perfumes... Ex-boxes: hilarious! Jewellery, crafts, paints, paintings, books, bags... shoes, sticker collections... I even have the entire lion king marble collection with the goon ball... and All of the Dino diaper babies and the kitty and puppy ones... I must have every single set of collectors fad toys for every age group, until I got too cool to collect them anymore ( or admit I collected them anym0re at least!)

I have rosettes from horse riding for dressage, cross country and show jumping. Then there are the artworks from high school and the grammar school books of 1st spelling and sentence structuring. Mom's kept every report from Sub A to matric and all of my certificates.
I have portfolios full of original presentations from college! What do you even do with stuff like that??... knowing how many pain staking hours it took me to do all of it... I even have a three storey model of a language school I designed - complete with coffee shop and all! It all just seems like a life time ago!

So here I sit sifting through what seems like all the tangible life I have lived to date, deciding what should stay and what should go. There comes a time when you need to draw a line with the sentimental side of all of it, close your eyes and just chuck. Because this probably is the last time I will ever go through it, unless of course I start adding to the pile again! Its harder than its sounds though, its my 3 dimensional time line in a sense, if I get rid of it what will I have to show for myself... hmmm... I'll have to develop some sort of scale of importance or something and let mother have the deciding vote.. I'm clearly not being objective enough because I haven't even dented the pile!

OK I'm going to go now! As this is what I like to call P R O C R A S T I N A T I O N of the inevitable!

Post script: When in doubt... stand in front of the mirror and pout! This may take up hours as you could eventually start to look like someone else... resulting in your amusement for a little longer than intended!

Paint Box
"Cobalt and umber and ultramarine,
Ivory black and emerald green-
What shall I paint to give pleasure to you? "
"Paint for me somebody utterly new."

"I have painted you tigers in crimson and white."
"The colors were good and you painted aright."
"I have painted the cock and a camel in blue
And a panther in purple." "You painted them true.

Now mix me a color that nobody knows,
And paint me a country where nobody goes.
And put in it people a little like you,
Watching a unicorn drinking the dew.

E. V. Rieu

Window shopping the world for a day...

I've been window shopping the world today... for hours... peering in on everyone's strange quirkiness and daily routine.

Having coffee at Wembley is like being in a fish bowl, so you can hardly blame my meandering eye for scanning the courtyard every 3 seconds. I glanced over at Sin's noticing that the majority of the activity was actually stemming directly from there. It was teaming with bubbly giggly matric girls from St Cyprians having there final luncheon.

What a sight, it was seriously like some kind of exacerbated scene cut and pasted straight out of 'Gossip girl' right there in Wembley Square! The outfits ranged from every trend you could possibly imagine on elle.com mixed in with this bizarre Afro chic-ness... some managed to hit the nail on the head while others... hmmm - well lets just say they should have stuck to their school uniforms!

Hair, nails, make up the works! I think big hair is back because I haven't seen that much hair spray and chutzpa since 'The Nanny' stopped airing in 1993. What a laugh, I'm sure we weren't like that?! Mind you, I just flipped through my matric album and I'm beginning to develop a serious complex as to whether or not we actually were all that - and a bowl of whipped cream!

I got this wave of nostalgia gazing over at them, frantically chatting and planning all of the excitement and adventure ahead of them. I remember that last month so vividly, just as you finish exams and reality sets in that you have the rest of your future ahead of you. All of a sudden its actually all in your hands. That question you were asked on your first day of school: "What do you wanna be when your all grown up?" has come full circle. And now it is time to decide exactly which path you want to go down.

I sat there for a while transfixed by their youth and naivety. Wondering how I would have done things differently, given the opportunity to go back in time. Its an interesting concept really, kind of like those books that have one beginning, and a hundred different possible outcomes.

I think I would like to have seen a bit more of the world before I decided what I was going to be doing for the rest of my life. In retrospect it would probably have been far more beneficial than my foolishly wasted year of fashion design. Although I knew I always wanted to be somehow involved in fashion - it just wasn't the design side!

In a way every time we change our minds, our careers, partners, homes, style, interests we are going to be right back at square one! The excitement and adventure shouldn't fade away... actually I take that back, everything we do, every decision we make is leading us silently to where we will eventually find our niche in this big beautiful mysterious world.

Even though occasionally it feels like I'm walking around in this really thick fog with misted motorcycle goggles and wellingtons that are four sizes to big for me, making it impossible to navigate anywhere. I know that this too shall pass, and as my special brother told me direction will find me... just wear bright reflective clothing at all times ;))

Post script:

My very favourite writer Edward Monkton once said:

"Zen dog: He knows not where he's going as the ocean will decide,
its not the destination - its the glory of the ride"

The absoluteness of it all...

He is both static and dynamic and is both creator and destroyer. He is the oldest and the youngest, he is the eternal youth as well as the infant. He is the source of fertility in all living beings. He has gentle as well as fierce forms. Shiva is the greatest of renouncers as well as the ideal lover. He destroyes evil and protects good. He bestows prosperity on worshipers although he is austere. He is omnipresent and resides in everyone as pure consciousness.

Shiva is inseparable from Shakti - Parvati the daughter of Himavaan - Haimavati. There is no Shiva without Shakti and no Shakti without Shiva, the two are one - or the absolute state of being - consciousness and bliss.

Singing: "Doo a didi didi dum didi day..."

Today the sunshine picked me up and held me in its arms and bathed me in this warm honey
glow that I can only fully explain to you, or myself as happiness... sheer unadulterated bliss!
The magic that is the small things around us, the briefest of moments setting the right frequency for our unique tunes...

Today I beat the drum, I found my rhythm again.. its been too long!
"and if I cant find my way back to me... let the sun fall down over me..."

Sometimes we forget how much of our own happiness is self manifested... only
you have the key to it... and then there's one more essential ingredient... the catalyst if you will...
the tiny trigger that sets the whole big beautiful extravaganza in motion...

Today on my run I found that trigger.. well the fact that I was running at all after my unfortunate health over the past 2months was reason enough... but then the sunset...
It was just... out of this world... salvation is here...!

And there I sat... on top of the world again, singing: "Doo a didi didi dum didi day..."

Post script: A good friend of mine told me that ducks actually know the frequency for the happiness tune off by heart... ;))