A life worth writing about...*

I turned 30 this year. People have said many things to me in my twenties, things to sculpt my perception of what it means to be 30, to have lived and experienced and absorbed 30 years of knowledge, 30 years of happiness, sadness, joy, success's, failure's, ambitions, dreams, heartache, love, fear & courage... but nothing prepared me for this feeling. Calm, acceptance, humility and thankfulness.

Ive done some pretty remarkable things in my time on this planet, well remarkable to me at least. I haven't walked on the moon, or discovered the cure for an incurable disease, or become the first female president of the United States. No I have done none of these things, but I have forged some of the most meaningful and fulfilling friendships, and relationships. I have travelled to places far and wide - places I only dreamed about as a little girl. I have lived.

I may not always make the soundest choices or act in a way I would like to be treated in return. I have broken some hearts, and in turn mine has been broken. But I have loved, I have been in love, I am not afraid of love - the being or the receiving. I know I have a heart, and I now know that I need to treat other peoples hearts gently because scar tissue runs deep, and although the wound has healed little incisions are careful and permanent reminders. No one deserves a fear created by the careless mind of someone else.

I have had fear in the past, I know the feeling that seizes your gut and renders you motionless in the moment. To travel, to be alone, to actually go after a dream. My fear is failing, others and myself. but my greatest fear is growing old and not being able to see and share a dream realized. A dream built from my own blood sweat and tears. Something seamlessly carved with my calloused hands to show for it.  A potent and timeless creation, a mirror of my soul.

I don't believe this is one thing, and I don't believe it will happen overnight. What I do know is that as I launch my kite, and allow the wind to carry it far up into the clouds, it will not only be my hands guiding its flight... but the hands of every wonderful being I have had the joy of meeting along the way. And you, I know your hands will be steadying mine, ensuring the course stays true. keeping the wind constant, and the dream high.

Buffalo plaid jacket... meet floral print jacket...**

I recently came across another blog entitled "Missed Connections"... the author of this blog intricately illustrates pictures that evoke romanticised meetings on late night trains, or bumping into a stranger in the isle looking for peppercorn refills...

What stood out so poignantly to me about the concept of such illustrations, is how relatable the instances truly are. How certain people stand out from a sea of faces by the small details of their own personalised style... Be it the eclectic button sewn onto a jacket, the red piping detail that cinches the whole outfit together or the tiny stones in your necklace that match your shoes and your emerald green eyes...

All of these details tell me who you are. I may fantasise as to where you've come from or where you are going too. I may never have spoken to you before, but in one upward swoop of your appearance a thousand ideas have already passed through my mind... How old you are, what you do for a living, where you call home, what you may like to do for fun...

They say that 85% of our first impressions of a person are visual, so is it not critical that we embody all of our best assets in their entirety, through how we represent ourselves to the outside world every time we venture out there?

Our hair, our nails, our skin, our make-up, our clothing, our accessories... it all sounds so superficial... but on the off chance that we never do get to meet... I would like to think I have already told you my story without ever having to say a word....**

Eye see the world, and the world see's me!

Wow, I don't think I have written here for over a year!

My life has done a complete 360' since then... I think I may be an entirely different version of my former self!

1. Job: check.

2. Career: check.

3. Fitness: check.

4. Healthy: check.

5. In love: check.

6. Happy: check.

7. Living somewhere new: check.

I think I am well on my way to checking every personal goal I set out for myself!

How's that for pro active.. he he... hilarious... feels good, its about time!

I honestly thought I would never find what makes me tick, and I think I have now.

Enough to stick it out even when sometimes its terrible!! Usually I wold duck, so I guess the proof is in the pudding :)

Living in Jozi, wow different I won't lie. But in a good way. The people are friendly and warm and welcoming. They make an effort to engage with everyone around them... which is fabulous... they aren't spoilt with the beautiful sea and mountains. It is however the biggest man made forest in the world... I was quite startled to see how green it was. I think I had this preconceived idea that it was going to be a brown sandpit... I blame mom for this! hilarious!

I am going back to Cape Town in a week and I am so excited to do as much as is humanely possible while I am there! Its refreshing to go back to the place you call home with a renewed appreciation and clean eyes... I am looking forward to it! A week of fun in the sun with my boy :)

Ooooooh bring on life, its beautiful!

.... Am I Living My Dream?

So I'm beginning to wonder, how many times do you have to put yourself out there before the right opportunity comes along and presents itself to you? Something tangible, to hold onto and evolve with.

In this day and age everything is available to us at the click of a mouse, so why is finding the right career such an impossible probability!
Look I'm not completely naive I know everything comes at a price, and there are the necessary compromises and steps to take on the way "up the ladder"... But seriously where do you even begin?!

I know now what I want to do, but do you think I could find the door! Well not yet anyway... Sometimes I feel like a feverish hound scratching on the back kitchen door of life... just throw me a frikken bone here already, please!!!

I mean I know I don't exactly have the best track record when I get into things, but I honestly believe you realise within the first week of getting into something whether or not its going to lead you the right way, or if its leading you on a completely obscure goose hunt. Well that's how I feel anyway. If I got into a place that allowed realised my potential and allowed me to flourish and grow... even if my only way in was to scrub the toilets of the bottom floor.. at least I would feel like there was a light at the end of the dreary tunnel!

Everything I have done has given me a firm understanding of what I enjoy doing, nothing has been completely pointless... even if all it taught me in the end was what I have absolutely zero interest- in at least I left with that knowledge. I know I'm not the only one who feels like this, I know there are hundreds of people who have stuck out the same boring dead end jobs year in and year out thinking the same thing... am I living my dream? Is this truly all my life is ever going to amount to? I'm not young, but I'm not exactly old either! I have some time yet but I feel as if I am closer now than ever to what I can see myself building a career in. Something I am endlessly passionate about, and something that has massive potential for growth in my mind and my creativity.

I don't want to spend even one day of my time feeling average in life, I want to be exceptional and I believe the only way I am ever going to do that is to follow my dream, even if it is bogus... some how some way its going to take me to places I can only imagine. Isn't that what the law of attraction is? To believe in something unequivocally, until one day you wake up and realise your dream?

I am sitting in the darkness, staring out of a jagged edged wreck onto a paradise. And I'm excited! And I know somewhere in the not to distant future I'll be standing outside in the light and this will all be a jaded dream moving me to greater heights.

"Run, run, run away......"

Fight or flight... our instinctive options when faced with something we aren't sure how to handle.

I find it so interesting how society places parameters on the way things "should be",

And how like sheep we follow these preconceived ideas, as if living them out and deciding for ourselves is no longer an option.

Whatever happened to going with the flow and seeing where you land up?

Betwixt and between in this perpetually frustrating game we call life and love.

Am I the irrational or the irrationalee?!

My first reaction is to run away from something when the first sign of unease rears its head.

Its easier to be alone right? No one to consider or care about.

What bliss, just you and the road.

Wrong, I dont actually believe a word of what I just wrote, but I'd like to. That way you would never have to confront anything. You'd never feel angry or upset, or hurt. Its so easy to tune the world out when its not playing you're song. Its not so easy to when its closer to home.

So is it to soon to...? Is it cool enough...? Am I losing my independence...? Should I spend more time doing...? And less time doing...? Oh wait what do my friends think...?

Oh actually wait... what do I think?

Are we seriously so insignificant in our own lives that what should have started out with you, actually only gets to you and your own thoughts 7th or 8th on the check list of to do or not to do!

God its exhausting sometimes! Seriously!

What is the point?

I think its supposed to be Happiness.

"The cinders, the cinders

They light the paths

And these strange steps

Take us back, take us back

Flow sweetly, hang heavy

You suddenly complete me

You suddenly complete me"

One foot in, one foot out!?!

As humans or mammals we are innately programmed to look out for ourselves. To always feather our own nest before anyone else's. To make sure that we are OK.

I'm the eternal optimist, I believe in everything. I want to see the best there is in every situation. Even when I cant stand to be there anymore, I try to think back to a time when that was exactly what I wanted and was exactly where I wanted to be. I hold on to that. I couldn't go on any other way. How can we see the beauty in the new without the extrication of that which has made you indifferent or jaded in the past.

With hesitation, we venture into new and unfamiliar territory. Familiar in that once we were in this exact space, unfamiliar in that this is nothing like that space in fact. But we go on with child like curiosity none the less. The way it should be.

Whatever happened to throwing caution to the wind? Why is it that we always have one foot in and one foot out the door? As if we could hop on the back foot and high tail out of there! Except its worse that way cause you'll never really know what could have been if you had actually jumped in with both feet. Whole heartedly.

I say you just have to go with it. Listen to yourself. Play until you get hurt, or you're not having fun anymore or you cry more than you laugh. But play, let go, fling your head back and throw your feet towards the clouds and remember what it was like once... not to know and not to care either. That feeling is love and life and freedom.

For my friend.

"There is a darkness deep in you,
A frightening magic I cling to,
Give me a chance to hold on,
give me a chance to hold on...
just give me something to hold on to."

Sometimes the thing we crave the most just isn't there when we really need it to be.
And its never something you can put your finger on,
Or say out loud, or ask for...
It not even tangible enough to look for...

Who's to say that when we find it we're even going to know what to do with it,
And after all is said and done... are we are even going to want it in the end?

Happiness oh jaded virtue, why are you so evasive to the best of us, at times?

Its a fine balance of give an take in this life and occasionally nature or the universe
throws this back in our faces,
Even when we've been on our best behaviour.

The art of living and our own self preservation is in the gracefulness we maintain when we fall down.
The truth and the antidote lie in our own actions and reactions.

We hold the power and the understanding to turn everything around.
This is our gift.

Happiness is a by line.
We are an absolution.
Hold on.

And smile, cause everything is going to be alright.